February 12th – Two students were apprehended Monday afternoon in Copernicus Garage after engaging in a ritual known as “Car Beer.” Sophomore Ginger Gin noted, “Car Beer is like, when you drink a whole bunch of Natty Ice inside a ’98 Camry.” CCSU alcohol judge, Wanda Daniels, sentenced the college juniors to appear on the Dr. Phil show next month, in an episode titled, “College Day Drinkers: Success Not in the Suds.”
February 19th – According to chief of police, Brian Taztey, the zombie virus has not been linked to the large number of blank expressions on students’ faces, or the unintelligible moaning produced by students all over campus this past Monday afternoon. Those are the result of an overly large amount of caffeine imbibed in preparation of midterms. Taztey believes the body parts found in the nearly completed Willard building and the zombie strands are unrelated.
February 20th – Last Tuesday evening the New Britain Petting Zoo locks malfunctioned leading to an invasion of alpacas, goats, sheep, and llamas on CCSU’s campus. The stampede caused six injuries and emotional distress among the student body. CCSU’s Police Department have been working tirelessly to implement an emergency animal alert system. Officers have advised students in distress to visit the counseling and wellness center and to avoid large piles of dung in the Central Green.
February 22nd – CCSU’s Police Department are investigating the hacking of the Web Central student portal. Russian agents altered the locations of many classes within the student scheduling system, resulting in an abrupt drop in class attendance at the start the spring term. Students have been reporting to classes in such places as storage rooms, restrooms, and the theater prop closet. “I hope my professor doesn’t count this as an absence,” said economics student, Erica Head. “I thought it was a little strange my statistics class got moved to the planetarium.”