April 14—Controversy erupted over a piece of abstract art found on campus. The artist? Unknown. The medium? Silicone. CCSU police were called to the corner of Vance and Sheridan Hall to remove a sculpture of female genitalia hung precariously on a tree branch. CCSU Police art appraiser Rachel Perry-Rodin said in a statement, “That might be the most provocative work of art that CCSU has ever seen.” Her report on the origin and value of the work is due by graduation.
April 15—Thirty parking spots were arrested and detained next to Willard and DiLoreto Hall while protesting the excessive amount of parking available at CCSU. The thirty parking spots were cited for disturbing the peace and unlawful removal of asphalt. A hearing is scheduled for next week at CCSU parking court.
April 20–Professors were baffled on Thursday after observing a sudden dip in their student’s academic performance. In addition to slower response times, a number of students appeared to suffer from red eyes, increased appetites, and uncontrollable giggling. Concerned professors have petitioned student health services to open an investigation. In other news, the college bookstore is out of Funyuns.
April 22–CCSU police intervened in an impromptu protest outside McDonald’s. Officers initially believed the group was connected to the Occupy movement, only to discover its true purpose was to pressure McDonald’s to bring back the discontinued McNuggets sauce, Mulan Szechuan. When asked to disburse dozens of CCSU students, faculty, and police wearing Fa Zhou t-shirts threw McNuggets at police.