September 14: CCSU police are still looking for the one that got away. According to department sources, detectives are on the prowl for a 20-26 year old male of above average height: not 5’10”, not 5’11”, but six feet or above. SWF witnesses describe his eyes as, “dreamy, but like they’re staring into your soul.” Police ask that anyone with any information about this mystery man direct him to their Tinder profile, where they will swipe him right into their custody, as well as their hearts.
September 18: The CCSU Emergency Alert System has issued a special bulletin that That Guy From High School That You’ve Been Avoiding is on the loose! Warning: If you never texted him back about getting drinks, he is going to bring that up! Despite claims that you two were never that close in the first place, he’s littering social media about how much he misses the old days. Engaging said man will result in a guest-starring role in one of his ten Facebook posts of the day. And yes, he WILL tag you. Campus security is working closely with the yearbook staff to nail this offender before he tries to drive us all to Chilis. Anyone with any information is asked to please, please, please not invite us.
September 20: CCSU Police are searching for a sophomore computer science major suspected of serial pun abuse. According to witnesses, he is about 5’10”, with dark hair, green eyes, and extremely not-funny. He is armed with an unacceptably large number of bad puns. “The guy just ain’t funny,” said theater major Richard Pryor. “And I know funny.” Pryor recounted an altercation. “The kid pointed to his Spider-Man tee and said the webhead had ‘a leg up on other heroes’. WTF?” Sightings should be immediately reported to the campus humor police as this is not to be considered a laughing matter.