April 17—New Britain Police arrested 35-year-old Chunky Manwich, from 100 Sunkist Boulevard, and charged him with 14 counts of invasion of privacy. Manwich, employed at CCSU since 2010, is being accused of photographing the intimate parts of 14 varieties of fruit, prior to stocking shelves at Memorial Hall cafeteria. The investigation was initiated after photos of peeled bananas and cored Granny Smith apples were discovered on Tidbits, a fruit pornography site. Manwich has been placed on administrative leave by CCSU. Inquiries should be directed to Chef Boyardee, CCSU’s lead vegetable, fruit, and dairy investigator.
April 18—CCSU Police are investigating reports of a masked vandal smearing sizable amounts of fecal matter on advertisements posted inside elevators all over campus. The perpetrator has attracted a cult following among students, who see this an anti-establishment act of protest, and have dubbed the unknown suspect the “Poopy Pirate.” Sergeant Megan Steamer advises students against celebrating the bandit, and request both students and faculty remain vigilant in keeping this dark mark on Central’s campus from spreading further.
April 19—Zombie plague outbreak rumored at CCSU. According to the Chief of Police, George Romero, the blank expressions and unintelligible moaning from large numbers of students on campus aren’t the result of a decaying zombie brain, but actually are caused by excessive amounts of caffeine and lack of sleep over the stress of end of the semester. Chief Romero asks we ignore the gruesome maulings during the night; they are just attacks by rabies-infected squirrels. Local animal control and the Hartford County coroner have been contacted to handle the situation, and students are being advised to remain indoors after 11:00 p.m.