Top Ten Reasons to Eat Your Ex-Boyfriend | Carly Rogers

1. You’ve always wondered if human flesh really does taste like chicken.
2. He’s one of those people that eats pizza exclusively with a fork and knife.
3. Those online feminazi rants about taking down the patriarchy and murdering men has been really empowering you lately.
4. Because he ruined The Office and now you can’t see Dwight Schrute without feeling his hand on your lower back, making little circles.
5. For that one time he abandoned you in the middle of Chinatown, L.A. and you tripped chasing after him getting honeydew bubble tea all over your new dress and cried while old Chinese ladies pointed and laughed at you.
6. You’ve always wanted to see if How to Get Away with Murder really lives up to its name and those two weeks you spent in bed bingeing it wasn’t actually a waste.
7.  For the $25.63 he owes you for that time he insisted you see the new Jack Reacher movie, even though he knows you hate Tom Cruise and action movies. You never even got to see the movies you wanted, but it’s okay because you’re such a good girlfriend, and don’t worry, you’ll cover the cost of the tickets and popcorn because he mysteriously forgot his wallet again.  He’ll absolutely pay you back though and totally not cheat on you two weeks later with some girl in Utah because he “misses you too much” to not cheat.
8. For trying to apologize with a store-bought bouquet and a Hello Kitty blanket he found at a tag sale that you can’t throw away, even though all you want is to see it burn in a fire and you don’t even freaking like Hello Kitty.
9. You’ve always felt a weird kinship with Hannibal Lecter, or maybe that’s just your attraction to Mads Mikkelsen.
10.  His new girlfriend might be prettier than you.

Illustration by Colby Jenkins for Blue Muse Magazine