Humor Police Blotter

CCSU Police Blotter

November 2, 2023 — CCSU police are on the hunt for the Sound Byte Bandits. Accounts vary wildly, but the gang appears to be an aural group of three to five undergrads running amok around campus blasting sound clips popular on the online communications platform Discord. These clips include but are not limited to: the sound of a falling pipe, the sound effect known as the Vine boom, the opening riff to George Thorogood’s “Bad to the Bone”, and a severely bass-boosted voice saying, “Among us.” CCSU Police DJ Mic Record said, “If they played it on vinyl, we’d tolerate the noise.” Information leading to the capture of the Sound Byte Bandits will be rewarded with a $25 gift card to Revolution Records.

November 16, 2023- CRIME UPDATE: The alleged leader of the Sound Byte Bandits has been arrested by the CCSU Sound Pollution Taskforce. The unnamed suspect, a 24-year-old white male, was caught wearing a UConn hoodie and mismatched earbuds. After being denied Mountain Dew Amp for three hours, authorities say he refuses to name his accomplices and chooses to speak in quotes and phrases taken from popular internet meme culture, many of which appear to be quite outdated. Lead investigator Police DJ Mic Record told reporters, “Ladies and gentlemen, you may remove your earplugs.” The rest of the Sound Byte Bandits remain at-large. The reward for additional information is now fifty pounds of bacon.

Nov. 1, 2023 — Last Friday, the Campus police Duck-cam caught what looked like a nighttime fowl festival. A group of twelve adult ducks were assembled in a circle, quacking towards the moon. The next day a thick copy of Aesop’s Fables, in Latin, was discovered in a burning bush. “We’re doing more research on the nighttime activities of ducks, and advise all students not to feed them,” said detective Mal Larding, director of the department’s Wildlife and Fisheries Crime Unit. “Preliminary findings indicate someone has raided the Latin section, small as it is. Either that, or the crafty birds are breaking in on Thursday nights.” Although no suspects have been named, anonymous sources have confirmed Modern Languages interim Chair, Professor Gilbert Gigliotti, has been named a person of interest. 

Nov. 16, 2023— CRIME UPDATE: Foul play continues at the CCSU library with more missing ancient texts. Detective Mal Lardingt gave an impromptu presser while ordering a cinnamon-spiced latte at the bookish Starbucks. “It’s true. The quacks are back. No further comment.” Through his attorney, Robin Hawk, person of interest Professor Gilbert Gigliotti issued the following statement. “I categorically deny any connection to these book thefts or these ducks! I am guilty of no such mal(lard) feasance.” Blue Muse ornithology editor will continue to follow the flock.

OCTOBER 8, 2023 There have been reports of millennials infiltrating the campus in bumper- stickered hybrids. They’ve been spotted practicing hot yoga in the library and chugging pumpkin spice lattes as they demand more and more avocado toast. A woman in a cat sweater with a small tattoo of a mustache on her finger accosted students. “The housing market! The housing market!” Police Chief Molly Nial, 35, advises the community to go about business as usual, however, Gen Z Deputy Ima Young strongly advises caution. “They’re everywhere! Just don’t bring up the nineties! The nostalgia never ends!”

OCTOBER 7, 2023 A CCSU professor alerted campus police that they found the missing Kizer mascot costume in a classroom in Willard-DiLoreto Hall. “I almost had a heart attack when I switched on the classroom lights and saw it at the podium,” said the frazzled professor, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I always knew someone was out to steal my position, first A.I. and now the mascot!” The costume was thought to be lost for good last semester, and the administration was making plans to cut the window washing budget to fund a replacement. “Why else would Kizer go missing and then show up pretending to be a professor?” said Evan Richards, head costume designer for the police department, who was busy on Kizer II. “We expect A.I. to take professor’s jobs, but this is strange. I still think A.I. is behind it.” Police are investigating the case.

OCTOBER 6, 2023 Just before Tuesday’s lunch rush, CCSU police investigated the overnight emasculation of the Kizer statue in Devil’s Den. On the scene, Diversity, Equanimity, and Intrusion officer Debra DePanties stated, “seven police officers have looked up his skirt and all we’ve discovered is the sore need for some sensitivity workshops.” This incident is the latest in a long-standing battle between campus administration and a group of vandals. Marsha Terfbang, one of the conservative students already mobilizing to hand out flyers and blueberry gumballs, insisted “that statue’s biologically male, born with XY chromosomes!” Terfbang provided a meticulous list of suspected transgender CCSU students to contact for a counterpoint to her claim. Unfortunately,  it appeared to consist solely of cisgender female basketball players, local politicians, and fast-food mascots.

Blue Muse Magazine is a general interest literary magazine published by the students of the English Department at Central Connecticut State University in New Britain, Connecticut. We publish poetry, fiction, and a gamut of creative nonfiction on anything and everything the blue muse inspires us to write.

1 comment on “CCSU Police Blotter

  1. just kidding…I misread it. Oops.

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