February 25, 2019: CCSU Police issued a campus bulletin alerting students and faculty to avoid That Senior Who Decided to Take Her Last Required Math Class at 8 AM to “Get It Over With.” Suspect is said to be extremely hostile, often glaring as she stomps to class, her ear buds vibrating. An eyewitness near the student center reported “she can’t hear anything. Also, who still listens to Third Eye Blind?” The suspect is 5’6’’ with dark bags under her eyes, often described as wearing oversized sweaters, chunky boots, and a scowl. Other sources report that by 9:20 she seems to regain “some passable level of sanity” and instead of glowering at her peers, she manages a “bit of a light grimace.” If you see her during her feral hours, officials advise averting your eyes or offering a large coffee with almond milk.
February 26, 2019: Please be advised, CCSU police are searching for that guy who sings “Gangnam Style” with headphones in, while galloping around like he is trying to straddle a stallion. Suspect is male, approximately 5’ 9,” with dark chaotic hair and usually heard before seen. CCSU musicologist Carol Cleft warns students that engaging this individual may be harmful to your eardrums and ruin one’s appreciation for next year’s tragic K-Pop hit.
March 1, 2019: CCSU police are seeking information regarding an unidentified student performing “flat-tires” on campus. The act, stepping on the back of another’s shoe and making it slip off, is easily done by mistake. The sheer number of reports in the past few days, however, has the PD’s Footwear Autonomy division convinced that these are no accident. An anonymous sophomore victim, size 12 men’s, shakily shared the story of his brand-new Jordans being scuffed: “By the time I realized my shoe was all messed up, he was already gone.” Whispers of serial shoe-steppery abound.