Let me start by congratulating you on single-handedly ruining this year for humans across the globe. With over two million cases of you reported globally, I think I speak for the majority of us on earth when I say you truly caught us off guard. Not only are you holding our societal flaws right up to our noses and decimating world economies, but you have caused every event under the sun to be canceled, rescheduled, or altered, including spring semester! I don’t know who’s driving me crazier: you or everyone I’m quarantined with! And the icing on the cake? You decide to show up smack dab in the middle of allergy season. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
So, when does the skunk at the picnic plan on leaving? You’ve already selfishly made spring all about you; are you planning on taking summer from us too? I was preparing for a summer jam-packed with concerts, beach trips, and vacations. I’m going to need you to go into remission so we can get back to our regularly scheduled program. Many of us are just putting our lives on hold, but sanitation workers, healthcare professionals, grocery store workers, and many more are putting their lives on the line to clean up your mess. The least you could do is slow the hell down!
Saying that you’re unwanted would be an understatement. Not only has it been nearly impossible to slow the rate of infection, but we are scrambling to find a cure! We didn’t take you seriously at first, but you have the world’s full attention now; you’re a force to be reckoned with. You’ve managed to make a simple trip to the store feel like walking into battle. Because of you, I have to suit up like the Monsters Inc. CDA just to go out for groceries, fully equipped with gloves, a mask, hand sanitizer, and Lysol wipes. When I get there, I am met with a line of people long enough to wrap around the store twice, since everyone can’t all shop at once anymore like we did back in the good old days. By the time I finally get inside the store, nearly 50 percent of the items on my list are completely cleared from the shelves.
Don’t even get me started on this whole quarantine thing. I know I told that fortune teller at the mall I wanted more time to myself, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind. Between not being able to go see my friends and being trapped in the house with my nagging parents, I’m losing my sanity. I would give up my Netflix account just to experience sitting through an hour long, monotone lecture in an actual classroom again!
Oh, how I miss living to the beat of my own drum on campus. In all seriousness, you suck.
Masked and Socially Distanced,
An introverted homebody who’s tired of being in the house
Janay Wynter is a staff writer for Blue Muse Magazine