OCT 1, 2023 – A CCSU professor alerted campus police that they found the missing Kizer mascot costume in a classroom in Willard-DiLoreto Hall. “I almost had a heart attack when I switched on the classroom lights and saw it at the podium,” said the frazzled professor, who wishes to remain anonymous. “I always knew someone was out to steal my position, first A.I. and now the mascot!” The costume was thought to be lost for good last semester, and the administration was making plans to cut the window washing budget to fund a replacement. “Why else would Kizer go missing and then show up pretending to be a professor?” said Evan Richards, head costume designer for the police department, who was busy on Kizer II. “We expect A.I. to take professor’s jobs, but this is strange. I still think A.I. is behind it.” Police are investigating the case.
Nov. 16, 2023— CRIME UPDATE: Foul play continues at the CCSU library with more missing ancient texts. Detective Mal Larding gave an impromptu presser while ordering a cinnamon-spiced latte at the bookish Starbucks. “It’s true. The quacks are back. No further comment.” Through his attorney, Robin Hawk, person of interest Professor Gilbert Gigliotti issued the following statement. “I categorically deny any connection to these book thefts or these ducks! I am guilty of no such mal(lard) feasance.” The Blue Muse ornithology editor will continue to follow the flock.
OCT 3, 2023 – There have been reports of millennials infiltrating the campus in bumper- stickered hybrids. They’ve been spotted practicing hot yoga in the library and chugging pumpkin spice lattes as they demand more and more avocado toast. A woman in a cat sweater with a small tattoo of a mustache on her finger accosted students. “The housing market! The housing market!”
Police Chief Molly Nial, 35, advises the community to go about business as usual, however, Gen Z Deputy Ima Young strongly advises caution. “They’re everywhere! Just don’t bring up the nineties! The nostalgia never ends!”
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