March 4, 2024—Campus police are investigating a public indecency complaint at Sheridan residence hall. Bathrobed students confronted a white male with crazed hair streaking through the halls muttering, “This place is like chlamydia if it was a residency.” An anonymous student gave their reaction to his statement. “I’ve had chlamydia before. So hearing him say that was very triggering.” CCSU police Sergeant Mike Bottom from the department of Unadorned Crooks guesses the naked man “contracted an infection from the dank dorm room floor that entered through a cut on his foot, spread into his brain, and he lost control of all motor function. It seems his instinct was to try and run away, although not before stripping.” Sergeant Bottom believes the streaking is a solitary, stand-alone event, but encourages all students to keep their drawers on.
March 6, 2024—CCSU Police Digestive Task Force have closed all dining halls due to an outbreak of explosive diarrhea and uncontrollable vomiting. “Just sh*t everywhere,” said Task Force Officer Reese Feces. “I was taking my usual route through campus, when several students began projectile vomiting. While we’re lucky enough to find the nearest bathroom, the unfortunate ones took a dump in the quad.” When questioned on the digestibility of Memorial Hall food, Officer Feces was hesitant to answer. “The Thai chicken curry lettuce roll up had me lunging for the crackers and ginger ale.” CCSU Blue Muse staff emailed dining hall coordinator, Ron MacDonald, for further information regarding the outbreak, but received no response. Officer Feces believes MacDonald was undisposed. Stay safe and protect your stomachs dining hall consumers.
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