April 7, 2024—The CCSU police paranormal unit are investigating a series of complaints concerning cults meeting in the bathrooms of Memorial Hall. Every Burrito Day eve at dusk, witnesses report seeing a circle of resident students sitting on the ground surrounding candles and pentagons written on the bathroom floor. Special Investigator Bathsheba examined the scene and, while burning white sage, allegedly heard whispers from the fallen spirits of food poisoning muttering “Avenge us, brothers and sisters.” The paranormal unit is currently waiting to hear back from clairvoyants Ed and Lorraine Warren, who after touring the scene, skipped lunch.
April 9, 2024—CCSU police responded to reports of a large spherical object in the middle of Arute Field. Just after dawn, students of Mid-Campus Residence Hall noticed the cloudy, white, mouthguard shape, as well as a potent stench drifting west onto campus.
Police arrived on the scene with hazmat suits on to find a balloon-like object that was inflated with egos. Closer investigation revealed the egos to be the faces of shrunken CCSU athletes. Officer Chad Spratt, from the department of WYD and a CCSU football alumnus, says inflated egos are not an uncommon find on Arute Field, but the bloated state of CCSU’s star athletes’ heads suggests that a larger crime is occurring. CCSU police suspect STEM students tricked the athletes to participate in their Helium for Hotties experiment in trade for the Snapchats’ of CCSU’s top tens.
Campus police advise all students to remain vigilant for inflated egos and shrunken athletes. If an ego or miniature athlete is found on campus, inform the campus humble police immediately. Do not engage.
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