Pisser on the Loose
September 30, 2025 — Last Friday, under a yellow moon, a mystery man, or possibly woman, sprayed our campus in urine. Could this be a simple squirt gun mishap, or is a future neurosurgeon marking their territory? Somebody call Bladder Control. Officer Blad Dher stood near the dark trail of bodily fluid in the Quad, alternating between a smirk and a scowl. Pisser TikToks drenched his feed. “Right now, the pisser TikToks are all we have to go off of.” Officer Dher has encountered multiple student vigilantes wandering alone at night “on the lookout for the pisser.” Student nightwalkers are urged to wear goggles and wet suits.
Circus Cop Caper!
September 28, 2025 — The CCSU police are investigating recent high jinks by a gang of rogue, unemployed clowns. Officers are unsure how the fiends found their way into the station but reported finding their university-issued uniforms replaced with baggy, colorful jester costumes! Jess Terr, CCSU Big Top Cop, told reporters, “The only way forward is to adapt to our new reality. The department has written a manual on using water-spraying flowers instead of mace.” When pressed on whether or not the department might nab the comedic conspirators, Officer Terr honked, tightening her rainbow Afro wig, “We can only clown up to it, but fortunately, we’ve been able to downgrade to one cruiser!”
Sugar Siege
September 23, 2025 — As the clock tower struck 7:00 p.m., three hundred unruly freshmen were unleashed from the student center for the FYE manhunt. Before the games began, students were doped up on cupcakes. The frenzy began when the teens started shotgunning Celsius and Monster midgame. Campus police worked to ensure the safety of upperclassmen and staff. By 10:47 p.m., officers were able to herd all the students onto the football field where laps were run until their stomachs were empty, or vomiting ensued. Officer Paddy Sweetcheeks reported making “record time in corralling the teens because none of them could stay quiet enough to go unnoticed.” The administration has since declared that all future campus events will substitute celery sticks for cupcakes.
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