Birdbrain Impersonator Buzzes Campus
October 18, 2025 – An alleged police impersonator has been sighted around campus, donning a Central uniform with what some believe to be feathers sticking out from beneath his cap, and talons piercing the tops of his boots. Officer Grey Torndowell was approached for a comment on this plumaged presence. Our Bird Beat reporter, Mick Kimaus, noted considerable aggression coming from the Officer Torndowell, stating, “He just kept yelling, ‘Who?’” As of deadline, the birdman had not been caged.
Campus Police Respond to Mass Shrek Incident
October 11, 2025 – The History Club’s movie night ended early after Shrek Forever After started playing on every projector in Ebenezer D. Bassett Hall and across campus. One wide-eyed freshman, sporting fake Shrek ears, said they thought it was a gas-leak hallucination, adding, “When Shrek comes for you, you don’t resist.” No injuries were reported, but three professors received anonymous emails reading only, “This is my swamp.” The tensions are high. “I’ve been on the force fourteen years, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented Officer Ebert Siskel. “Frankly, I preferred Shrek as a bachelor.”
Turtle Trouble
October 7, 2025 – Officer Shelly Bale responded to a call about a large number of turtles storming the front lawn of Davidson Hall. The scuttling mass trekked nine hours from their home across the road, the pond at Stanley Quarter Park. The razzed-up reptiles are demanding to be compensated for all the photos students have taken of them on their favorite sunbathing log. “They’re being a bit hard-headed,” said Officer Bale. “It’s not like they’re shell-ebrities.”
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