Potheads on the Loose!
December 10th, 2025 – Reports of a thick Blue Dream stench in The Quad led Officer Johnny Kush to stage a stakeout. Officer Kush recalls the moment the stoners stumbled-walked out of Willard Hall, “The six of them ran in slow motion, loudly professing their love for a vending machine.” A particularly clumsy sophomore tripped over air and somehow ripped through their pants. Kush’s official report noted, “the high klutz had, ‘I LOVE WEED’ printed across their underpants. He issued warnings for all six students and advised them to get a good night’s rest instead of puffing the magic dragon.
Return of the Thanksgiving Hero!
November 3, 2025- The Thanksgiving Hero is on a mission, desperate to bring back the Thanksgiving vibes. Reports of a decreased number of people giving thanks have him letting loose turkeys everywhere he goes. Officer Gobb Lerr finds himself face-to-face with this vengeful “hero”. After a few sucker punches to the nose and a painful wedgie, Officer Lerr comes out in a turkey costume, not knowing how he got stuck in it. Officers on campus have set out traps, turkey stuffing, and anti-gratefulness signs, while dressed up in pilgrim suits to lure out the “Thanksgiving Hero”. As if things couldn’t get weirder, another suited-up “hero” joins the turkey chase, calling himself the “Christmas Warrior.” Offer Lerr adds, “He’s dressed as an elf with overly tight pants way before Christmas. That’s a crime in itself.” Officer Lerr assures students and staff that the situation is under control, though his uniform is nowhere to be found.
Scooter Bandits Roll During Finals!
December 10th, 2025 – Scooter Bandits are turning Central sidewalks into racetracks. Blackclad speedsters have reportedly rolled over the toes of helpless students, huffing and puffing their way to final exams. Officer Speedy Gonzalez recalls the number of student injuries this past week, “Forty stubbed toes. Five broken bones. Yikes.” Officers on jackup Segways attempted to chase the bandits but ran out of juice. Reports continue to pile up on Officer Gonzalez’s desk. He advises students to wear neon and “jump outta their way.”
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