January 13th, 2026 — CCSU Police responded to reports of a traffic cone being “kidnapped, comforted, and rehomed.” Officer Coney Alerts arrived to find the cone seated on a bench outside the Student Center, angled toward the sun. “It’s journaling,” bystanders noted. “She doesn’t belong in traffic,” one Agriculture Revolutionary major, donning a “Protect ‘em CORNS” shirt, cried while dragging the cone back. Officer Alerts noted the cone had been moved to a picnic table (for fresh air), the library lobby (for quiet time), a rolling desk chair facing a window (to “process”), and briefly into a dorm lounge where it was offered a granola bar by squeaking freshmen. A small crowd formed as students debated the cone’s feelings. One was overheard whispering, “Have you seen what cars do? It’s been through enough.” Another apologized to the cone for “putting it back in that environment” before carrying it toward the residence halls like a distressed maiden. During a motor pool presser, Officer Alerts advised the campus community to stop emotionally adopting traffic equipment. “Allow our orange friends to live their truth: on the road.”
February 14, 2026 — A man in a cupid costume was apprehended this morning for shooting students with nonlethal arrows. Love Patrol Captain Jack Heartworm claimed he was hit by one of the arrows., “I felt a sharp pain in my arm and an overwhelming urge to text my ex.” Several students briefly looked up from their screens to see the suspect fleeing the Student Center, wings lopsided and glitter trailing behind him. One victim, a shy sophomore, described the experience as “very disturbing, but slightly romantic.” Captain Heartworm and the Love Unit apprehended the suspect near the romance novels in the library after he tripped over his own toga. The Love Unit confiscated several items from the suspect, including a glitter-covered bow, a pink quiver, and what appears to be emotional baggage. The suspect faces charges of emotional disturbance of the peace and aggravated affection. Authorities confirmed the arrows were not dangerous, though victims may experience temporary symptoms including blushing, excessive smiling, and poor romantic decision-making.
February 24th, 2026 — New Frat initiation plagues campus psyche. On make out patrol in the hidden depths of the Copernicus Garage, Officer Ternit Upp discovered a group of four clothed boys surrounded one naked Frosh bending his knees, proclaiming a goal to plummet from two stories down. A clothed member told Upp that this is how the new cult worked, “In our new Frat, called ‘Free Flags Fly,’ we firmly believe that clothes are the one element that stops humans from reaching flight.” Upp took the cult on a ride on his cruiser, in hope that “It’s the only flying you boys see”.
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