Listen, you textaholic, underachieving, Starbucks-drinking, basement-dwelling, health nut #Losers. For being a generation so easily offended, you seem to put in all your part-time hours into making me feel like the murder milk you pretend to hate. What’s your beef with lactose?
Since the Roman era, I’ve been called an atrocious amount of names – #IdentityCrisis – and the one you give me brings utter shame. Before you were kickin’ around in your knock-off Uggs, I was known as the Pound Sign, derived from the Latin root: libra pondo; and I’m not talking about that big daddy Dalmatian from a retro Disney movie I watched on VHS. #Disconnected
After Sir Isaac Newton used me like your Chads and Brads used everyone else, I got my own crib thanks to Christopher Sholes, our grand inventor of the computer keyboard. And even though it wasn’t featured on MTV, I still got a nice set of keys. #ComputerNerdHistory
I represent the numbers you struggle to get on a Friday night. #NoGame #StrikeOut. I make artists rich by putting them #1 on the charts and line up your Snapchat BFF list from #1 to #15, just like I used to rank your top friends on MySpace. But you’re too young to understand that…and me. #Throwback
I’ve been keepin’ it sharp in the music industry with my A’s and B’s while you fall flat at karaoke night.
As much as I would love to be the loud, obnoxious drunk at the bar, I’m only able to lift a note in music rather raise my own voice. But I need to make this clear; I’m not just something to be used to categorize your life and make you more organized. #GirlBoss
You abuse my power for your own fame but fail to give me the #Royalties. Where’s my cut? You Vloggers, Tweeters, and Insta-baddies think you can use me for all your lies. #YouDidNotWakeUpLikeThat
I set the bar for all of your #SquadGoals, #RelationshipGoals, and #BodyGoals. You’ve been neglecting all of my vintage, old-school features since Apple was known as the Macintosh. #QuitIt
Headline illustration by Colby Jenkins for Blue Muse Magazine