Angry Letter Humor

Angry Letter to Apple | Jacqueline Pawlowski

Dear Tim Cook,

In 2011, when Steve Jobs died and you became CEO, you made Apple into one of the world’s most valuable companies with a market cap of more than $829 billion.

The iPhone and other Apple products are becoming less of a luxury and more of an economic necessity in this day in age. Though dominating the smartphone market must be pretty cool, I bet you’re unaware that your customers are nearly reaching poverty because of it.

Here is why.

The day I switched from being an Android user to an iPhone user, my bank account plummeted faster than AT&T calls. The suffering began with a dreadful trip to one of your Genius Bars to replace a cracked phone screen. The Apple Store is always packed; you’ll be doomed if you don’t make an appointment online before heading to the store. Even when you do make an appointment you still have to wait hours on the stool for an overly perky tech specialist. The pain of having glass stuck in your thumbs from a cracked phone screen stings. However, the agony you feel when you find out that the cost of a new screen is over $150 is unbearable. Who the hell’s idea was it to create a cell phone out of glass anyway?

It seems like you know exactly what you’re doing, scamming your customers. You claim to use “the most durable glass,” yet a recent study by SquareTrade Labs showed this claim to be wrong. When dropped facedown, the screens of both the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus received so much damage they resembled the remains of crushed potato chips. Meanwhile, Samsung’s Galaxy Note 8 survived the same drop with only a few hairline cracks.

And what’s up with the price? They’ve skyrocketed over the years. Every time a new version of the device comes out it’s like I need to take out a bank loan. The cost of the new IPhone SX Max starts at $1,099 and goes all the way up to $1,449 if you get the model with 512GB storage. You already profit five hundred dollars from just a single iPhone 8, that’s just Uncle Pennybags level greedy.  Business Insider reported Apple accounted for 79 percent of global smartphone profits, Apple has total control over the cell phone industry. I smell monopoly.

It’s also is a weird coincidence that every iOS update on the iPhone is purposely made for the newest addition. This creates glitches for those still using the iPhone 7, like me. Every update installed overwhelms my phone to the point where I can’t even open Snapchat without having to wait centuries for the screen to load.

After the iPhone X came out customers were sharpening their pitch forks and lighting torches, but users weren’t the only ones displeased. According to NYT, investors have grown increasingly concerned about iPhone sales and are worried that Apple will have lower demand for the latest models of the iPhone than expected. Well, what did you expect? Your customers are fed up with your overrated products and dramatically overpriced smartphones. Your business scheme to profit from cheating money out of dedicated users has been exposed. I think it’s time to return back to the good ole Android days and do my bank account a favor.

Sincerely,

Android’s Newest Customer

 

 

Headline photo courtesy of Fernando Ribas.

 

Blue Muse Magazine is a general interest literary magazine published by the students of the English Department at Central Connecticut State University in New Britain, Connecticut. We publish poetry, fiction, and a gamut of creative nonfiction on anything and everything the blue muse inspires us to write.

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