October 10, 2019. CCSU Police Hall Monitor Belvus Blowhard announced at a press conference that at long last he had arrested that one really long-winded professor. The Mathematics professor, whose name is being withheld, is accused of contravening the Geneva Convention rules prohibiting hostage taking and group punishment during his crazy long lectures. Sophomore Bennett Orchard said, “It was nuts, man. I thought I was never going to get out of there. Blah blah blah. Subtract this. Divide that. The dude actually kept us for the entire scheduled class time!” While students are relieved that their ordeal is over for this term, discussions over whether policies need to be put in place to avoid similar tragedies keep the entire student body on edge.
October 11th 2019. CCSU police are on high alert for a parking bandit. Suspect(s) tore down all parking signage and banners leaving Central’s denizens in an endless loop from Copernicus garage to Davidson Hall. Parking garages are now lawless. Surface lots have become Mad Max style wastelands with amateurishly armored Volvos and Hondas smashing into each other to assert parking dominance. Anyone with information on the bandit’s whereabouts is urged to notify campus police. Officer Brooke Rims is taking the lead on this case. “Parking is my beat, and no student or faculty should feel they can park outside the lines.”