May 14, 2019. The Communication department at Central Connecticut State University has held an induction ceremony for the brainiacs and overachievers within their Honor Society. I’m talking 3.0’s to 6.0’s, public relations to filmmaking, journalism to leaf raking; these people do not mess around. Don’t touch their laptops, cameras, or tripods. It has been reported that several men have posed as inductees in their honor society ceremony. A screaming parent was a witness and said she pointed at the crowd yelling, “That’s not my Sheryl!” as a tall, athletic-looking man was holding her daughter’s award. He soon fled the scene holding Sheryl’s award and some snacks from the inductees. If you see a tall meathead running with cheese balls in his hand, and an award in another, contact the CCSU police. Please. With your help, we can stop these wannabe honor students together.
April 11, 2019: Warmer weather creates skyrocketing public indecency concerns. CCSU police report that a band of unidentified students have been dancing to loud, melodic instrumental music on the lawn outside Vance Hall. The newly-formed Flash Mob Task Force believes that giving the troublemakers attention is spurring them on. In the hopes of going viral their dances have become even wilder. The students now favor dancing in their underwear and with plastic toy spears. PD’s Sergeant Oliver Klosoff implores students to not post these disruptive displays on social media: “Ignore them, and they’ll lose interest. Don’t even glance at the Vance lance trance dance, especially if they aren’t wearing pants.”
April 8, 2019: CCSU Police issued a campus bulletin alerting students and faculty to avoid That Senior Who Decided to Take Her Last Required Math Class at 8 AM to “Get It Over With.” Suspect is said to be extremely hostile, often glaring as she stomps to class, her ear buds vibrating. An eyewitness near the student center reported “she can’t hear anything. Also, who still listens to Third Eye Blind?” The suspect is 5’6’’ with dark bags under her eyes, often described as wearing oversized sweaters, chunky boots, and a scowl. Other sources report that by 9:20 she seems to regain “some passable level of sanity” and instead of glowering at her peers, she manages a “bit of a light grimace.” If you see her during her feral hours, officials advise averting your eyes or offering a large coffee with almond milk.
April 1, 2019: Please be advised, CCSU police are searching for that guy who sings “Gangnam Style” with headphones in, while galloping around like he is trying to straddle a stallion. Suspect is male, approximately 5’ 9,” with dark chaotic hair and usually heard before seen. CCSU musicologist Carol Cleft warns students that engaging this individual may be harmful to your eardrums and ruin one’s appreciation for next year’s tragic K-Pop hit.
March 29, 2019: CCSU police are seeking information regarding an unidentified student performing “flat-tires” on campus. The act, stepping on the back of another’s shoe and making it slip off, is easily done by mistake. The sheer number of reports in the past few days, however, has the PD’s Footwear Autonomy division convinced that these are no accident. An anonymous sophomore victim, size 12 men’s, shakily shared the story of his brand-new Jordans being scuffed: “By the time I realized my shoe was all messed up, he was already gone.” Whispers of serial shoe-steppery abound.