Humor Police Blotter

CCSU Police Blotter

FEB 20, 2020 – CCSU Police are on high alert for a group known as The Bargain Brigade. The bookish bandits are re-selling textbooks at a much lower price than the school bookstore. Desperate junior, Kash Smith, admitted to purchasing discounted textbooks due to being recently cut off by his parents. “My dad thought I was spending all my money on video games but I swear I only spent some of it on games. I have to buy, like 13 books. Books I’ll probably never use!” Sources say the brigade has been spotted in Welte garage, the third-floor women’s bathroom in Willard Hall and even behind the Starbucks counter in the library. Literary Contraband Officer Steve Binder is taking the lead on the case. “We won’t be Amaozned on this campus. This mystery will have a happy ending.”

FEB 26, 2020 – The History department alerted CCSU police of a curtain of thick, matted dreads splayed in the doorway of their Bassett Hall office. Officers on the scene discovered hair festooned upon various fixtures to the tune of one hundred and forty-two-feet worth of dreadlocks. Some of these hirsute adornments included dream catchers hung over professors’ doorways and primitive tapestries stapled to the ceilings of the department’s eldest faculty. The culprit(s) left strips and patches of dreads hidden around the office where professors habitually put their hands, like under handles of filing cabinets and on the adjusters under their swivel chairs. CCSU police department hairstylist Candace Comb is leading the investigation. “We’re scanning security footage for newly shaved heads, groups of co-eds with buzz cuts, and anyone wearing tight, knit hats, in hopes of discovering the former owner of the mystery dreads.”

Feb 28, 2020 – CCSU police are searching for a missing freshman. He was last seen walking into stack five in the library in search of  “The Vampire Book” that hasn’t been touched since Twilight was popular. Head research librarian, Roland Spine told CCSU police the student was headed to stack six QL681 B16 1974 but upon further investigation, police could not find the supposed area. Police questioned students sleeping in stack eight. Freshman Zoey Book said, “Once you go into the stacks you either come out with nothing or you don’t come out at all. I just sleep.”

 

 

Blue Muse Magazine is a general interest literary magazine published by the students of the English Department at Central Connecticut State University in New Britain, Connecticut. We publish poetry, fiction, and a gamut of creative nonfiction on anything and everything the blue muse inspires us to write.

4 comments on “CCSU Police Blotter

  1. Mary Collins

    SO happy to see some humor!

    Like

  2. Cute. I like police news!

    Like

  3. Under January 20th it says “complaniants” rather than complaints.
    Hilarious piece though, what a cool concept!

    Like

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