April 31, 2024—The CCSU Porcelain Police have serious potty trouble. The Unit is seeking information about a series of exploding toilets. Women’s bathrooms across campus are overflowing due to toilet paper rolls getting stuffed in toilets. The unidentified suspect who goes by the name, “The flushing felon” has been taking the rolls out of the dispenser and wedging them deep in the pipes them “I was sitting in a stall at Bassett when I heard the girl next to me flush repeatedly. Next thing I knew, my ankles were drowning in yellow water,” said Angela, an angry history major with damp shoes.
“The flushing felon needs to be stopped immediately. My backpack almost got washed away in the flood,” said Jessica, a worried senior with a sopping wet backpack carrying an unpleasant odor. Officer Melonie Feeseas asked all bathroom users to go with their eyes open and report any odd behavior to the department of Major Duty. “This shits gotta stop,” Officer Feeseas said in a statement.
May 2, 2024—The CCSU varmint patrol have been issued to keep all eyes on campus after getting numerous calls about the campus squirrels breaking into the dorms and stealing the students’ stuff. CCSU freshman Katie Maloney sobs after realizing her favorite perfume is now missing. “THOSE DAMN SQUIRRELS” she screams through her tears. It has now been reported that throughout all of the dorms these squirrels have stolen over 2,000 items from the students. The whereabouts are unknown but CCSU police are on the mission to return the missing items. As for commuters, keep your cars locked and important things hidden. For all students, do not engage with these squirrels. They may be friendly but deep down are evil.
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